WILL I SURVIVE IT?

I had a conversation with someone older and more experienced a while ago and she said to me "Pray for a man that loves you and not one you love." I questioned her 'experience' I tell you. Then it came to me. As a woman, I am vulnerable to emotion. Weakness or strength? It is not my doing, nature created me this way. Be it good or bad or somewhere in between it is something that I have to live with because it is who I am. My emotions will take over me, they will control me and I swear to you they might be my undoing some day. I will need someone who will stand with me through the test of time as these explosions rock me no matter the trigger. I will require grounding from someone that is stronger than me during my lowest points but most of all I am one to need consistency and patience. Dear lord, only someone that loves me more than I do myself will hold me down. I silently agreed and swallowed my thoughts.

 She continued "Iman you will love like the sun will not set, like tomorrow was just a myth to never happen, you will find someone that will present perfection to you. Your life will evolve around this love, it will bring you so much joy and happiness- that might be an illusion or not. You have to be careful because that love might burn you. In case it does, do not break, do not let the world put you down. You are allowed to grieve but do not let it change you." How do I do that? How do I not break when my only support has removed itself from my life. Have you met me? I'm a living emotional trailer with flat tires rolling on a potholed road that winds along the sides of a mountain. The tiniest things will have me seeking for comfort or a support system. I can put up a brave face and pretend I'm not slowly disintegrating as I go about my day-hey, hello, that's my life already. I can show people what I want them to see but how then will I recover? Do I move on? When should I move on? Who should I move on to? How will I do it? I'm I expected to just stuff these heartaches and wounds into a duffel bag and throw them into the dark waters of the Niger? Typically I was worried of the aftermath of this beautiful love story. I for once never stopped to think of the amazing love that I will encounter or if it would last a lifetime and I wouldn't have to find my way to the Niger. I didn't stop to think of who it might be. Who would this imperfect perfection be? Now as I remember that conversation, I smile to myself knowing I would find love even if it wouldn't be for as long as I would wish, I would be able to say that I felt it and I knew it. 

 I read something on Twitter the other day (side note: yo there's a lot of great minds on that app when you remove the irrelevant bunch and the ITKs and the Amebos). It went something like this- 'you don't want to love someone because of what they have or who they are. You don't want to explain how, why or what you love about the person because love is more than that.' This brought a lot of 'errs' and eye rolls on my part. I'll put a link to the tweet down below so you can share in the wisdom. I love and respect the deepness and the thought that went into the message. Personally, I am a woman who appreciates complements and flattery so yes, I'd love to know what drew my significant other to me. What they see and what they love? The little things matter. Love should be unconditional and without material  expectations but Agape is too divine for another human. In its simplicity, that should be what partners should share but knowing the human nature, am I ready to risk a love so deep, a love so strong, a love that transcends all of common sense, condition and any trust boundaries? I'm I ready to let loose and let go? I want to believe this is what it my older person meant by 'you will find love that is not healthy'. If I should love agape, will I live to tell the story? 

I pray for you love and I pray for you happiness. 

For your interest- this is the link to the tweet (https://twitter.com/jimsjones__/status/701170766839156736). Read with caution lol

Disclaimer: I in no way referred to women as weak or men as the stronger sex. This was an interpretation of my emotions caused by hormones (my nature). It's clearly subjective and applies to no general audience. X

WHAT HE SAID...

I've known I always wanted to be happy. It has always been my ultimate goal in this life that all I do should make me happy. I did not comprehend the depth of this until someone said to me 'happiness is happiness'. Then it came to me, it is simple, just like the two words side by side. Happiness is a veil that masks your pain. However thick the veil is depends on personal strength to fight a war with the demons within. Being me I'll always over analyze it and I contradicted his words. It is simple but it was complicated like a fisherman's knots. Everlasting happiness is a pipe dream but satisfaction is attainable. Then i was asked, what was happiness to me? What did that very long word mean to me? My answer was simple, love. Love is the building block of life. It is what we base our relationships on. It is what pushes us to do what we do and moulds us to be who we are. Ever wondered why there's a correlation between abused/unloved children and violence? Does it now make sense? Don’t get me wrong, i might not love my boss from work who buys me coffee every morning or the guy who stops to help me change my flat tire in Abuja’s scorching heat but i appreciate them. Appreciation links likeness to the nice stranger i might never see again and at that milli second will make me feel something strong, something deep, something that will certainly bring a smile to my face and leave me with thoughts of him and stories that i’ll relay to friends. But what is that feeling? Is it love? will that feeling bring me joy? is joy equal to happiness? Will I have to love to find  happiness?